Urinal Etiquette

As all men should be able to tell you, there are a few unwritten yet undeniable rules to using the urinals in a gents toilet, in increasing order of importance these are:

1. Which urinal to actually use is governed by a complex subconscious formula, see The Urinal Game for further information on this.
2. Do not talk to anyone near by unless you are friends, and even then the conversation should at no point reference what you are doing
3. DO NOT look to the side, even if you have a friend standing to that side, it is never acceptable to be looking or seem to be looking at another man's "equipment" the blank porcelain in front of you should be the focus of your attention at all times.

If you are looking for these rules to be observed, I highly recommended to using the gent's toilets in Morrison in Derby. On two separate occasions the rules have been flouted in the most profane way. On occasion the first a man who had walked up to a neighboring urinal (in itself an infraction of rule 1, see above) suddenly began to talk to me in a too loud voice. I didn't really listen to what he was saying as I jumped a little and was attempting to retain control over my pelvic python. Calling up the sun total of thousands of years of evolution I made the only viable answer, a non-committal grunt, finished as quickly as possible and made my escape. Yes, I did still pause to wash my hands.

The second occasion was vastly more horrific. The toilets were empty upon my entry, leaving me to choose the best urinal (the one closest to the door). There was no warning, I swear the door to the room never opened. All of a sudden the EXACT SAME MAN suddenly shouted right behind me "I THINK THEY ARE OPEN UNTIL 10 TONIGHT", which not only is a huge contravention of Rule 2, but also makes very little sense as a way of starting a conversation. I nearly jumped out of my skin, failed spectacularly to maintain control over little Dave, and well... pissed all over my hand. Thankfully just my hand, because those can be washed easily. The man then continued his total disregard for the rules by staring intently at me as he stood at the urinal right next to me and whipped out his own equipment. I finished up as quick as I could, left handed, and washed my hands thoroughly and got the hell out of there. I reported back to Jess, who found the whole traumatic event fairly amusing.

We saw the man in the store during our shop, stomping around and muttering darkly to himself.

I wonder now whether some other person had done the same thing to him, damaging the poor man's brain and making him want to due the same so that he is not the sole victim. God knows that I've had an urge to shout manically in toilets since the events described above. Mainly I use urinals at work though, and those people think I'm weird enough as it is.

Dave out

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